Got my new house all secured today, sans signing the lease.
exciting.

Yana came home yesterday, i got her from the airport during work, and later we shared a bottle of wine.

new keyboard at work is loud to type on.

Tonight is David Bazan show, he will be playing in someones living room. i look forward to magic.

Fuckk you

for liiiiinnnnnnngeriinnng

I have the feeling that i am pissing off every single one of my friends.
Becoming a shut in,
kind of.

Im not that shut in, I just see my parents on the weekend and only have one day off.
at least thats what i tell myself, i guess.

Work is long, and most of the time i would rather hole up in my cozy house than go "out"
like i said, im not much of a do-er. I would much rather stay in and make some shit, than go to a bar.
i dont like to dance
i dont like the dance music
I dont like kareoke
and i dont like people.

its not that i dont want to hang out with you, Its that i have better music, better booze and better seating, at my house. You can smoke WITH your drink, put on vinyl and sit on the floor under Xmas lights.

where's bad?

Im sorry you'd rather go out than come over, its not like I dont go out ever, i like to play pool, i like going to shows. but weekends are hell out, especially while schools in.

Im sorry for being disappointing, but i never liked to dance, i still dont. Im not into crowds, or being drunk in public. just dont take it personally, please.

Am I being selfish? I just dont like going out that much. :( I am sorry I am lame, I dont think i should have to feel bad about not being into something.

how did this week manage to be just a little better tha the last?

http://disconaivete.tumblr.com/post/4081048152/tfl-ni



ehhhhhhhh

this place is soooo horrrible

sometimes you dont like the way things start to feel,
and it tells you not to move forward.

I spend all day in this room, hearing about the weather.



and ive got a knack for ruining what might have been a good thing.


I am not a thrill-seeker. please stop telling me who you know.

I want you to know that im getting over your damage done.

fuck you.

The past wont rest til we jump the fence and leave it behind....

everything is surprisingly the same, despite change.

I think i used to care about a lot, far less.
now i care about less, far more...


we'll see.

Poor is the man who's pleasures depend on the permission of another.

we will get there, when we get there, dont you worry.

7

I cant see your face Brandon, I know you're gone.

Your Father called me last year.

Sometimes I wish you would still call at random,
your heart racing, i could hear the abuse in your voice,
mossy headed, and innocent,
you did horrible things, but never
rage in your eyes.

I cant see your face anymore.

not even in my head.

your old myspace tells me youd be 25 this year, and holds the only picture i ever took of you.
i miss you so much its unreal, but ill never miss how you scared me.
when you stole that van,
when you shot heroin into your hands,
in my car, in your car, driving, me driving.

i wont miss the evil things you did to me, or made me do.

But sometimes i feel like
i feel
like...
like when you did those thing, it was not with mal intent.

you were hurt,
you were






not confused.

but maybe...


...you were

all i can think is hurt.


I love you.
I will continue to love you,
but i will not strain to keep your memory from fading.




there is more.
so much more i wont even let myself remember.

At least now, i have your email.

distraction is welcomed

last night we woke to the wind howling, lashing out.

There is a sadness welling behind those windows.




the sky is beautiful when you have a hand to hold.
the ground is barren when you cry.

I believe at one time it was full of water.
I believe at one time, it taught me to drown.


I dont believe she'll stand much longer, but now i know how.

i used to be blind until i arrived, but now i i think i could drive.

I have this dream about a garden. and i used to have it more often.
the garden used to be nicer.
it used to shock me more every time i saw it. it used to be healthier and more alive.
It used to take longer to get to.

I used to be lead there by figures of importance, people i trusted, or idols of wisdom.

now i go in group, by flock, there are children.
we are children. and i tell you ive been there before.

amiss

Greg is moving to taiwan to teach english, the us government cannot fund his work, so starting aug im gonna watch his house for a few years. 800 a month in oakland, as soon as i find a roommate and a job im out of here.

im studying for a midterm i have very little hope of passing and blowing off work for two other classes that i have high chance of passing, but might not any more. oh well

today i applied for a job as a traveling artists assistant. we'll see.

bad bad day

nightmares.

i sleeps alone, but im going away.

talking about registering for a screen printing class
talkabout going on a trip.
maybe if we can take that van then esme can come =)
i want to see.
need to find a replacement for the summer.

we made a plane. not a plane. not THE Plan. but A plan.

one day i will wake up. and i wont feel so bad.
just need to keep working at it.

Youre not really here, its just the radio.

Its Mat's birthday, happy birthday mat.

its that time of the year again, where i cry about being broke and somehow manage to pay for one class this semester that i will probably drop. hurrah.

going to bisbee this weekend was a nice escape.
15 degrees cooler and no cell phone or wifi.

i really dont want to go back to pima, i really dont want to go back home.

One day I will learn to stop expecting so much from people, and perhaps from myself as well.

the dreams are returning, with or without company, and i wake up scared.
perhaps it is the impending threat of loneliness, which is also making me feel lonely already.

One day i will be genuinely happy with my surroundings again.

.is back from hawaii iiawah morf kcab si.

so i guess we worked it out. but now he's going for 23 days.

me and marcella are gonna drive to LA on the 20th and come back when school starts.
I told my mom and she asked which one of us was thelma. haha.
we are going to have to see if simon and esme get along. not that we are taking them.

Saw casiotone for the painfully alone last night and mr. owen ashworth was not nearly as kindly as last year. apparently he had a migraine. its okay though cause he was still AMAZING as usual. =)

just found out that phil is going to germany in less than like a month and he didnt tell me. why wouldnt he tell me? i felt like shit asking in front of friends, but why wouldnt he tell me? i dont understand. i feel like something isnt right but at the same time i feel like an asshole for being pissed at him about it, but at the same time why would he not tell me? we live in the same house, he drives my car, we have a cat....why wouldnt he tell me? i feel so un important. after i found out he asked me if i would be alright here by myself in a way that felt more than condescending. it hurts so much i just dont understand why he would do this without informing me. he is mad at me for bringing up the fact that he is leaving the country and in turn leaving me alone in our house that is owned by his family and they are always about all by myself. jesus christ im scared just thinking about, it. its hard to type when your crying. its hard to say things like this when he's laying in bed next to me....i want to leave but i dont want to leave him i want to leave but i dont know where to go.

dfjabga

the fact that i have to be packed and out of my house in about a week has still not sunk in despite how much i think about, so the procrastination will continue.

Going to San Francisco next Friday till the 5th, Greg is gonna take me to the Pink party on the last day of PRIDE! We found a nice little loft with sky lights and floor to ceiling windows to rent around Castro. Waaay cheaper than expected. upon return I'll be living with Phil and things will be different. His family wants to take us to Hawaii in august, I'd be gone For my birthday so we'll see what happens.

excited to run around a big city for days with no plan and make pretty photographs as i go. im excited to see greg and excited to come back and start going to school again.

as a side note: ive been thinking a lot about relationships lately, friendships and the importance of genuinely liking and understanding the people that you decide to surround yourself with, but i'll leave it at that.

I could pay with sips of wine

went on snake bridge for the first time on tues night bike ride, it was quiet and darker then i thought it would.