today:

started school
felt ill
cat died
buried cat
cried lots and probably infected new nose piercing.
be at work in 20mins.


yay.

goodnight, g'night.

This weekend was an adventure, and not because I did a lot of things I have never before(but I did a few), because thats not true at all. What I can say that is the truth is that I have not been as happy as I was this weekend in a very long time. I can't say if it was the amazing company or the clean air that did it...maybe it had only to do with the absurd amount of braincells I've killed in the past week or so...either way I didn't feel as wretchedly negative and hateful as usual, it was nice.
Seeing Jordan Ross on Saturday was a lot of fun for me even though the party was a little questionable at first. Speaking of, I don't care what anyone says, I think he's a quality person and thoroughly enjoyable. so there.
Getting my nose pierced on Sunday didn't hurt at all but I think my nose might be made of magic.
Going to Sedona was lots of fun too, I like Aly's friends, they aren't shitty like Tucson people.

...Coming home today was one of the more depressing things to happen this year...so far. After being way too excited to move to Flag and go to school and have a life instead of rotting in Tucson I tried to share some fun info with my mom about NAU; she pretty much brushed me off and made me feel totally unimportant...which she is great at. She is so selfish sometimes, I wish she could just be happy for me instead of forcibly changing the subject to something about her business plan or her latest discovery...I don't even try to bring it up that often. Well that sucked and then i found out that my cat managed to get bit by a spider in the garage and looks like he has elephantiasis of the face, he makes me want to cry. I hope he lives through the night so that I can take him to the cat hospital tomorrow...he needs to hydrate and refuses to drink...


wtf, I have school tomorrow?

Keep all I can call my own in the bags beneath my eyes

Registering for school today was a big pain in my ass. =( took all three assessment test and passed reading and writing with flying colors...math on the other hand was bullshit, but I got into a decent class so it should work out fine as long as I don't fail.
Getting a flat tire yesterday sucked a lot too, gotta get that fixed tomorrow on top of doing a whole bunch of other shit.fuuuuuuuuuck
Been on a major Two Gallants thing lately, love it so much it hurts.
Sleeping is still a problem...baaah
Going to Flagstaff this weekend is really keeping me going today, if I didn't keep remembering that Im gonna be outa here in a few days I would be so depressed about the needing to buy tiers, having to pay for school, taking the car to emissions thing, would really take me down most other days. BUT YAAAAAYY! it will be fun, another trans-arizona episode in the travels of CrackToe and Wachie!!!

She promises the Earth to me and I believe her

after all this time I don't know why.



over the past couple of days I have come to notice that I am always one day ahead of my horoscope, at least the one that facebook sends me. maybe said horoscope is just trying to keep up with my sleep habits, or rather, lack of sleep habits.

since ive seen you smile

its been a long time, long time now

its four a.m. and i have no idea why i am still awake...

what a list of things to get done tomorrow on my day off, too bad none of them will. i hate feeling like i am procrastinating with life...there is not much.
travel would be beautiful right now, but im not sure i have anywhere to go.
last night i had bizarre dreams about walking through library garages, hearing children's stories from soulful musicians playing in rooms where the walls were padded with thick bound pages. i pulled pineapple thorns from the soft pads of my feet and felt the blood pulse out. to this a woke in a fever breaking sweat and fell back asleep. a tiny woman sang shrieking like a broken violin and for some reason we all sat calmly and swayed. outside, tall boys with long hair pushed shopping carts around forests collecting plants and animals. the plywood floors stung my toes and Rachel kept pulling my hair. Aly continually told me to shut up and listen to the tiny screaming foresty singer and all i could concentrate on was pulling spines out of my feet and untangling my hair.
it's gotta mean something.

Beirut makes me: quiver, sway, and just a little bit happier with life.

i am false

distracting myself...
this was hard and a long time coming, this was our own decisions and a good one i feel. why waste time on something that ended a long time ago. that sounds insensitive, but it is highly.
i am sick of judgment.
i am sick of being fat and brown haired and brown eyed and I'm sick of being a generally boring and mediocre person. i wish i could be effortlessly beautiful, but that's not for all of us. i am so sick of being false and being hateful and bitter and being mean all the time....how long have i been this unhappy? or seemed so anyway. i just remember that its been this way for a while and I'm not sure why.
pretty sure I'm gonna lose a good twenty pounds..ill start with 10. i hate this bullshit. i hate my job.
the only thing i am looking forward to right now is seeing my suicide girl again, our meeting went well and we are planning to shoot on Sunday. i cant wait. the company doesn't have a staff photographer in Tucson yet, but i don't really think there are many suicide girls here. another wedding possibility has come up and hopefully it will be mine. I'm thinking that maybe if i drown myself in work again and go a little crazy it will help me regain my sanity... i should probably just stay at home for like a week.

My emptiness is swollen shut.

I just scored a dream gig. Tomorrow night i am going to drive my ass to the other side of the universe (Oracle/Ina) and I am going to meet a sweet red head named Heather who will be preforming that evenings entertainment with a little band that she is part of twice a week. Heather is Suicide Girl, and yesterday she made a post on craigslist looking for a young hopefully female photographer to shoot her first set. She specified that she wanted young, creative and possibly a student. I responded with samples and she wrote me back this morning. I have wanted this for a very long time.

yaaaaaaaaaaaay!


in other news im pretty sure marcella thinks im a terrible person or something. I guess there was a falling out..i didnt mean to scare the crap out of her by snorting adderall in front of her or talking about cocaine...but i guess thats what happens when you have a friend for ages that you never say anything to about drugs that you have done and then they see you doing it...

manemniahneh-nu-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

This is me on my lunch break from work, have returned home to eat or whatever. My shower is fucked up, but allen called a plumber and its fixed now. he told us to take the tree out of our front yard...i think not.
i applied for yet another job that i probably wont get, it seems i do alot of that these days.
Greg and Aly are coming to Tucson today, this is exciting for me, but alas, i have to spend the evening at my fathers house doing family stuff. Hopefully i will be going to Flagstaff with Aly soon, i would really love to. I cant wait to move, it hurts me to be here. i bought a love seat last week, she is red...
i wonder where yanar is and how she is doing, i cant wait to visit her this summer.(aly: i found some damn good prices on airfair, lets plan our trip!)

i long to travel.

what a shitty blog, to work i go.

p.s. happy new year.