i am false

distracting myself...
this was hard and a long time coming, this was our own decisions and a good one i feel. why waste time on something that ended a long time ago. that sounds insensitive, but it is highly.
i am sick of judgment.
i am sick of being fat and brown haired and brown eyed and I'm sick of being a generally boring and mediocre person. i wish i could be effortlessly beautiful, but that's not for all of us. i am so sick of being false and being hateful and bitter and being mean all the time....how long have i been this unhappy? or seemed so anyway. i just remember that its been this way for a while and I'm not sure why.
pretty sure I'm gonna lose a good twenty pounds..ill start with 10. i hate this bullshit. i hate my job.
the only thing i am looking forward to right now is seeing my suicide girl again, our meeting went well and we are planning to shoot on Sunday. i cant wait. the company doesn't have a staff photographer in Tucson yet, but i don't really think there are many suicide girls here. another wedding possibility has come up and hopefully it will be mine. I'm thinking that maybe if i drown myself in work again and go a little crazy it will help me regain my sanity... i should probably just stay at home for like a week.