Youre not really here, its just the radio.

Its Mat's birthday, happy birthday mat.

its that time of the year again, where i cry about being broke and somehow manage to pay for one class this semester that i will probably drop. hurrah.

going to bisbee this weekend was a nice escape.
15 degrees cooler and no cell phone or wifi.

i really dont want to go back to pima, i really dont want to go back home.

One day I will learn to stop expecting so much from people, and perhaps from myself as well.

the dreams are returning, with or without company, and i wake up scared.
perhaps it is the impending threat of loneliness, which is also making me feel lonely already.

One day i will be genuinely happy with my surroundings again.

.is back from hawaii iiawah morf kcab si.

so i guess we worked it out. but now he's going for 23 days.

me and marcella are gonna drive to LA on the 20th and come back when school starts.
I told my mom and she asked which one of us was thelma. haha.
we are going to have to see if simon and esme get along. not that we are taking them.

Saw casiotone for the painfully alone last night and mr. owen ashworth was not nearly as kindly as last year. apparently he had a migraine. its okay though cause he was still AMAZING as usual. =)

just found out that phil is going to germany in less than like a month and he didnt tell me. why wouldnt he tell me? i felt like shit asking in front of friends, but why wouldnt he tell me? i dont understand. i feel like something isnt right but at the same time i feel like an asshole for being pissed at him about it, but at the same time why would he not tell me? we live in the same house, he drives my car, we have a cat....why wouldnt he tell me? i feel so un important. after i found out he asked me if i would be alright here by myself in a way that felt more than condescending. it hurts so much i just dont understand why he would do this without informing me. he is mad at me for bringing up the fact that he is leaving the country and in turn leaving me alone in our house that is owned by his family and they are always about all by myself. jesus christ im scared just thinking about, it. its hard to type when your crying. its hard to say things like this when he's laying in bed next to me....i want to leave but i dont want to leave him i want to leave but i dont know where to go.

dfjabga

the fact that i have to be packed and out of my house in about a week has still not sunk in despite how much i think about, so the procrastination will continue.

Going to San Francisco next Friday till the 5th, Greg is gonna take me to the Pink party on the last day of PRIDE! We found a nice little loft with sky lights and floor to ceiling windows to rent around Castro. Waaay cheaper than expected. upon return I'll be living with Phil and things will be different. His family wants to take us to Hawaii in august, I'd be gone For my birthday so we'll see what happens.

excited to run around a big city for days with no plan and make pretty photographs as i go. im excited to see greg and excited to come back and start going to school again.

as a side note: ive been thinking a lot about relationships lately, friendships and the importance of genuinely liking and understanding the people that you decide to surround yourself with, but i'll leave it at that.

I could pay with sips of wine

went on snake bridge for the first time on tues night bike ride, it was quiet and darker then i thought it would.

aggravation comes at the most unstoppable and inconvenient times.

rachel and i buried a cat yesterday that we found, it had been hit by a car, it was still warm. Kitten was put to rest in mat's back yard.

got a new laptop and a new bike, things are good, but still hard.