I'll fight like hell, to hide that I'm giving up.

Saw Yanar today and heard some crazy ass stories about living on the streets of Greece, she amazes me.

Starting to get the feeling that I've been working way too much lately, though I get a day or two off every week, it always gets spent in some less than enjoyable way.

I'm feeling unhappy lately.
I don't like that.


In response to my last post, here is my horoscope for today, the 29th:
Leo Horoscope
Cristina,
At times like this, it's important to remember what keeps you honest and human. The world around you benefits from your happiness and enthusiasm. Spread your energy to others and they will look fondly upon you. Movement in any direction could be uncomfortable, but you mustn't remain motionless.

I feel motionless lately, and extremely unenthusiastic.
Goal for this week : change that.

lets see if it happens.

First step I suppose will be deciding on a date to get my movement headed towards San Francisco.


Working is hard.
Working is especially hard when you're there all day.
Working is especially hard when you're there all day and by the time you're off you have at least 5 different people asking to hang out with you alone.

Its hard to make time for everyone and as much as I would like to spend time with every single person I love and have "you and me time" it really is really fucking hard. =(
I feel like I'm slowly growing apart from all of my friends.
I feel like I haven't hung out with Jacob in a billion years, I feel like I don't see Marcella enough and she is totally depressed right now and I want to help her out. I NEVER see Korey anymore which hurts my soul, I feel like I don't spend enough time with Rachel, don't see my boyfriend as much as I'd like, Mat is an uncommon sight as well, not to mention Yanar's return to town, I'm missing the hell out of Aly but there's not much I can do about that...and let's be honest, I'd really like to hang out with my mom.


I know, I know...what selfish bullshit to be complaining about, but you know what this is my blog and I'll write about the bullshit I want and i'll loose sleep over not being able to satiate all of my friends...so there.


I'm so done.


good fucking night.

God forgive my tasteless tongue.

It's really less about morals and more about pride for someone like me.
At first I really did have problems with letting my friends help me out (Greg and Phil) when I told them that I wanted to go to San Francisco to check out a school and maybe live there next year. Greg even up and offered me a place to live almost completely rent free. Phil offered to pay for many expenses such a visit might require. My first reactions were thankful and being amazed that these people would care enough to be so generous, but I realize that this gesture is so possible for both of them that I cannot even begin to understand. I realize that neither of these boys work for their money, but I do think that they are both genuinely kind people, at least.
Anyway, It was these kinds of thoughts that led me to the conclusion that this is really the only way I will ever be able to accomplish such things, or see if this whole moving to San Francisco thing is really what I want to do. And if my friends are willing to help me try to better my life because they know that I don't exactly have the kind of money it takes to help myself, then by all means, thank you sooo much! I accept. At the same time I feel like this is something I want to do myself and I would feel terrible having my boyfriend of two months pay for big parts of a trip thats gonna help me decide my future but if this is how I'm gonna be able to do it at all...I kinda feel like it would be stupid to pass up such an opportunity.

well. at least I think I've made up my mind for a while.

ALSO!
Tucson just got a little better and Ill tell you why: Yanar is back. I dont think i can even begin to tell you how happy this makes me.

I keep all that I can call my own in the bags beneath my eyes...

Not really sure how things are going these days...
there is this strange feeling that I cannot talk to anyone without severely pissing them off, so I feel my self growing away from almost everyone...been spending a lot of time alone at my mother's house...been spending a lot of time working all day.
In spite of everyone else...I am happy, to an extent.
though, it is hard to be happy when everyone around you is sad, it is hard to take pleasure in most things.

Lately I have become aware of just how naive I am, and at the same time how jaded I feel...this is hard to explain, so I will not.

I think I am going to schedule a campus tour for the Academy of Art University.

Today at work I photographed a little boy that looked like Winona Ryder...

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

staring at the asphalt wondering whats buried underneath

Seriously thinking about going to school in San Francisco next fall...
Academy of Art University- Ridiculously expensive, highly respected. What else could one need?
Anyway, this decision is mostly based on needing to run away from Tucson. If I spend another whole year of my life planning to get away and end not escaping....again? I think I might kill myself...and as silly as it may seem, I say that in all honesty.
It would be pretty cool to go to a prestigious school anyway, and since I could never get into a single one based on my academic knowledge why not try to get into one because of my artistic abilities eh? I think im going to ask my grandmother for $100 so that I can apply... She always tells me about how she was accepted into a nice art school and didn't go and regrets it...so I think she might be into the idea of me going....even if it is in California... probably not, but one can only hope...
Of course if I do get accepted, coming up with the $700 per credit hour might be a bit of a bitch...especially considering that I cant even think about coming up with 100 for application fee. ho humm.

In other news...the new little house that I'm sharing with Rachel is amazing and soon we will be having a Zombie themed housewarming brunch. Should prove fabulous.

its shower time.

ta.

whatever it is you think you are....

omgsh.

stealing internet in the new house, listening to death of winter mix that Korey gave me months ago, its fucking beautiful.
I miss Korey
I miss Aly in France
I miss Rachel in Santa Monica =(

I am going to see Helio Sequince at Club Congress tonight with Marcella cause the Phil dosnt wanna go, which is really too bad.

I just left safehouse about an hour ago right after getting off work, I ran into Korey and we had a conversation that was any thing but cheerful, it made me sad, and i fucking miss him. I never thought it would be this hard either.

Work is crazy, we lost like 5 people in the past week. Overtime here i come!

its been crazy, to say the least.
off to congress...