blah blah blah

feeling like i know everyone else better than i know myself.

I used to think that i was the kind of person who really knew what they wanted out of life, knew where to be and when to get there.
I used to think i had ambition.

maybe i should take some time and figure out whats good for me....

what the fuck am i doing here?
ineedneedneedneedneeeeeedtogetoutofhere.

feel like im constantly offending, and when i try to not im constantly compromising my actions. wtf.


wishing i could feel the way i used to.

the filth in my living space is driving me mad...but whenever i try to clean i become overwhelmed with a feeling of being trapped, its like it never ends and its just going to swallow me whole. not to mention the fucking spiders. what the fuck is with all the fucking black widows in tucson deciding it would be a great fucking idea to come live on my fucking porch. fucking fuck off you stupid fucking arachnids, i dont fucking want you here. and i sure as hell dont wanna kill you, but you dont give me much of a choice....cause i dont really wanna get bit by you =[

feeling like i need to have a good sit down and get to know myself again...like catching up with an old friend or talking to a relative you grew up with but never see anymore... but with me...ugh..what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck.

can i please speak to whos in charge?

assuming that my mother was always correct and i really do treat everyone in my life like a pile of shit..... would really explain a lot of shit going on right now.
for some reason though, i feel like i do a lot for a lot of people, i mean, i help my friends when they ask for it as often as i possibly can.
i really do try to be a good person, ill tell you that much, and its not easy. It really is hard to try to stay positive when all you hear all day is about how you're irresponsible, not working hard enough, not jumping high enough and that youre a bad photographer...on top of that its just hard to come home from work everyday and try to be happy about being alive.
i feel like i've been helping everyone when they come to me with their problems, patiently listening, giving sympathy or offering my advice... and when i look for help from them, or even get asked whats wrong the subject gets changed or i just get talked over. what the fuck, i dont even understand. im, feeling like a majority of the people around me right now are either constantly testing my intelligence, or simply believe me to be not worthy enough to take seriously. but with that, the people around me have often not taken me seriously, i suppose that was something dropped on me by my mother, and with the constance of not being taken seriously i've just become so used to it that my thoughts and actions are unbelievable even to myself.
i want to escape this place, there is just so goddamn much holding me back right now, i want to say fuck it all and just leave. im feeling like less and less is worth keeping around. at least i have the people i love as far as i can tell, but i probably do not, just like they dont really have me.

im moving in the summer and theres not a thing we can do about that.

im sick of my unfinished projects, my half assed attempts at everything.











uhhhhhh i guess i wrote that post like last month and never published it cause i didnt wanna piss anyone off, lololololol....but its my blog so that shouldnt really matter eh?

Be my little bayyybeee

so about an hour ago, I received an email response from a job that I applied for about this time last year...wtf?

anyway, I went to their site and did the thingies and the stuff and apparently they will contact me to go to a photographers orientation soon. so thats pretty cool I guess.

here is a mini mix for Aly:
(and when i say mini what i really mean is that I had several drafts of a really epic mix that was like... fuckin awesome man...and i kept accidentally closing the tab it was in and losing it...usually the effect of having imbibed...but it really was epic, but then i found this cover of be my baby by we are scientists and decided instead to make a little mix about how much i love aly and why im so glad i hitched my apple wagon to her star)


SeeqPod - Playable Search
i know, i know first day of my life is a little cliche.....but i felt it was appropriate

omfg
neeeeeeeeeeeeed to leaaave the houuououououououuuooouuuuuuuuuuuse. =(

To my Lover, Napoleon:

This morning I awoke at the quaint hour of 12:00, noon to be precise.
upon waking I showered, shared a quick word with my lovely roommate and thereafter decided not to go to my writing 102 class at 1:40pm.
Not attending my academic practices for the day invoked a need to do something productive. My aforementioned roommate, Rachel, made the sharp suggestion that we pay a visit to the newly opened Walgreen's, not more than a block away.
The Newly opened Walgreen's was an exciting adventure indeed, not to mention it took far longer to reach than was expected. We wandered to the seasonal "Halloween" isle first, for it was by far the attraction of the store. This Halloween isle held not only a wide variety of trick or treat candies and various costumes and decoration, but little to my previous knowledge, it was also home to the love of my life. I saw him at first and was intrigued, but refused to look again...it was not until I was standing next to him for a moment or two, discussing prospects with Rachel that I took my second glance. That was when the feeling swept over me, I turned to my Napoleon, I looked him straight in the eyes...he looked back at me, unwavering. It was not for a moment later that I noticed his name tag, "Napoleon Blownapart" and I was hit even harder with insatiable love.
To make a ridiculously long story short, I lifted my beloved Napoleon Blownapart off of his prison of the Walgreen's shelving...his exposed heart in my hands, we perused the store for a while and I took him home with me.


tonight, while searching my new lover on google (to make sure he didn't have a criminal record)I came across a grindcore/thrash band out of San Francisco by the same name as he,
sfthrash , a coup0le movies and something about sports....


Well, just thought I'd update you folks . . . Napoleon and I are off to bed!

I gotta leave her my girl, get on with my lonely life...

my writing class is going on a field trip to the library today...........

sorry, I thought I was in college.

not going to that bullshit


Just applied for two jobs via the craigslist, pretty exciting, hope i get a call back from one today...or at least an e-mail in the next few days...this wal-mart bullshit makes me want to die. since when was i fated to work at wal-mart?!?!?! what the fuck man! i just know that this time last year i didnt think i was gonna be in this hell hole...and now...now ill have worked there for a whole year in two weeks.fdnhjsnblfgkb mskflnb;lsnbgfsnljkbdfnbjdnkjfnnjdjdhskfmvk.

who am i to claim such moral heights?

if i let you down, it wasn't me, but you, who kept me 'round...
and if you should feel betrayed... it wasn't me, but you who made me stay.

work was so hard today, i haven't worked a busy Saturday alone in a good six months or more.
my arms are all sore from lifting children all day. at the same time my head is spinning from having to make happy sounds and my throat hurts from yaying and cooing to babies =(
pros= 36 hours this week

some asshole scheduled a 7 o clock appointment online today... i seriously felt like i was gonna kill a bitch when i saw it appear on the books at around 4pm. (we close at 7)


Aly: i was working on this really great mix for you for like 3 days...and when i was one craigslist the other day i totally accidentally deleted it =( but i promise promise promise it will be up soon

reading old posts is exciting.

and sometimes makes me cry.

today is not.....

---exciting, i mean.


.....on my lunch break....

hating my job