Geography lessons

Today I go my Tragus piercing that I've wanted for so long. Yay, it helped numb the pain, get my mind off life and satiated some extra cash that was burning a hole in my pocket.

Got some Yay-for-Obama-getting-elected Burritos with my mother and Korey this morning, it was fun to see him again. We talked about how he might move into my mothers house and how we are both moving away soon. He claims he is moving to Pennsylvania...but im not sure it will happen....I'm sure he thought the same thing though when I said I was moving to Berkeley.

Still wanting/needing to get out of here, Berkeley sounds appealing, And I disagree with the statement that I am more of an East coast kind of girl (Korey & Mom).

whatever it is you think you are....

omgsh.

stealing internet in the new house, listening to death of winter mix that Korey gave me months ago, its fucking beautiful.
I miss Korey
I miss Aly in France
I miss Rachel in Santa Monica =(

I am going to see Helio Sequince at Club Congress tonight with Marcella cause the Phil dosnt wanna go, which is really too bad.

I just left safehouse about an hour ago right after getting off work, I ran into Korey and we had a conversation that was any thing but cheerful, it made me sad, and i fucking miss him. I never thought it would be this hard either.

Work is crazy, we lost like 5 people in the past week. Overtime here i come!

its been crazy, to say the least.
off to congress...

i know that youre a sucker.

The boys that work at the 24 hour subway on speedway and park must think me and Rachel are some fine bitches...or something, our food is always free...or like $1.50..for both of us anyway. it rocks.

last night i drank a whole bottle of strawberry hill and got drunk and probably said something i shouldn't have to a boy that was using me. go me! oh well though, its for the better...he wasnt that interesting anyway.

today has pretty much been the shittiest ive had in a good while.
this morning i woke up at 9:40..spanish at 9:55, somehow i made it to pima by 10. and somehow in the parking lot trying to run to my class i managed to drop my zune (that i bought last week) on the asphalt and when exiting my car crunched the screen against said asphalt with my foot. it still works...but its ugly now. after this drama, walking to the classroom, juggling a pile of books in my arms my belt somehow falls off and i look down to discover that my favorite belt buckle has decided to break on me at this moment....after 2 years of a loving relation ship this belt decided it was time for the soder on the peg to break. so great. walking into my class at about 10:10 i get my exam from tuesday back from the professor with a big 49 on it.
BEST DAY EVER! after class i saw him and we talked about how he would tell me my grade next class and if its too low im gonna have to drop.

AHHHHHHHH!

at 2 i saw Korey on his lunch break, we shared some product that while in my car i discovered i had not closed the bag last time and it was ALL OVER the case. great... then we went to Safehouse spinning and i bitched about my day and ended up getting a free drink, ha. <3 Safehouse employees, it helped me feel a little better. if shit dosnt start looking up i might vomit all over myself here pretty soon.

im gonna go get some film developed, so look forward to some pictures.

There is and axis of evil rolling into this neighborhood!

Last night i had a really short and really fucked up dream. but i dont feel like typing out so im gonna copy and past a convo with rachel about it.

maybeima unicorn (12:37:11 PM): i had a fucked up dream last night

maybeima unicorn (12:37:19 PM): so she was interpreting

rachelwedig (12:37:24 PM): oh?

rachelwedig (12:39:50 PM): what was the dream

maybeima unicorn (12:40:10 PM): i was in the back room of my house ad i was walking out side

maybeima unicorn (12:40:16 PM): and then chloe bolted out

maybeima unicorn (12:40:40 PM): so i left the sliding door open and went to catch her and throw her back in

maybeima unicorn (12:41:10 PM): and then i noticed there were like 3 kittens inside

maybeima unicorn (12:41:15 PM): and thought oh thats strange

maybeima unicorn (12:41:23 PM): and tossed chloe back in

maybeima unicorn (12:41:39 PM): i stepped backwards and felt something crunch

maybeima unicorn (12:41:54 PM): but ignored it while i slammed the door shut

maybeima unicorn (12:42:09 PM): then i realized there were tiny baby kittens everywhere

maybeima unicorn (12:42:10 PM): like

maybeima unicorn (12:42:17 PM): so yourng they didnt have fur

maybeima unicorn (12:42:23 PM): and thier eyes were closed

maybeima unicorn (12:42:30 PM): and i slammed one in the door

maybeima unicorn (12:42:35 PM): and it was bleeding everywhere

maybeima unicorn (12:42:50 PM): and i looked behind me and i stepped on ones head and it was oozing

maybeima unicorn (12:42:51 PM): and

maybeima unicorn (12:42:59 PM): then i realiezed there were even more

maybeima unicorn (12:43:01 PM): everywhere

maybeima unicorn (12:43:02 PM): like

maybeima unicorn (12:43:04 PM): all over

maybeima unicorn (12:43:09 PM): and they were all crying

maybeima unicorn (12:43:13 PM): and hurt

rachelwedig (12:43:15 PM): jesus

maybeima unicorn (12:43:21 PM): and i couldnt move or i would crush more of them

maybeima unicorn (12:43:27 PM): and i couldnt help them

maybeima unicorn (12:43:31 PM): and it was vjsdfkbgdf

maybeima unicorn (12:43:36 PM): then i woke up

maybeima unicorn (12:43:53 PM): i was pretty intense

maybeima unicorn (12:43:57 PM): to say the least

rachelwedig (12:44:26 PM): awww i'm sorry that would make me very upset

maybeima unicorn (12:44:45 PM): it was pretty upsetting

i guess thats not really a conversation as much as me freaking out. but there you have it.

i just spent along time on a nerdfighters blog response to korey, so im gonna copy and paste the list part of it.
I'll take your Top ten albums in no particular order and raise you top ten songs in no particular order! When you post your top ten songs repost your updated album list above it (if it changes like you said it might), but do it in a new blog post. I will change mine too, im sure, but i think it will be interesting to see the evolution of your lists rather than just editing over it.

1. Cloud Cult - Meaning of 8
2. Two Gallants - what the tole tells
3. Bright Eyes - Fevers and Mirrors
4. My Chemical Romance - I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love
5. Neutral Milk Hotel - Aeroplane Over The Sea
6. Brand New - Deja Entendu
7. Radiohead - OK Computer
8. The Postal Service - Give Up
9. The National - Alligator
10. Nirvana - MTV unplugged in New York

1. Cloud Cult - Breakfast with my Shadow
2. Two Gallants - Reflections of the Marionette
3. The Paper Chase - Said the Spider to the Fly
4. The Mountain Goats - This Year
5. Neutral Milk Hotel - Aeroplane Over The Sea
6. Golden Shoulders - I Will Light You On Fire
7. REM - Losing my Religion
8. Jimmy Eat World - Goodbye Sky Harbor
9. The Mars Volta - Televators
10. Timothy Rabbit - Long Distances


anyway this post is way long looking now so ill just write about what i was originally gonna write about in a new post yay!

rejoice.

So, today was pretty shitty. While I am still recovering from Saturday night and Sundays horrific hangover...I went to school late today, told my teacher it was cause I had a doctors appointment....He was worried about me, I've been sick for a while.
Hung out with Korey today, that was fun at last... he has friends way cooler than me now, cool friends that hate me. Whatever, he found a place to live that is about ten million times closer than he is now. Yay. This picture is old...but I kinda like it. lawl...
This weekend I went to Flagstaff, I traveled alone and felt like my own little indie movie on the bus. Pretty lame. But the music was good, the reading was better and I got to sit alone for over half of my trip. Staying with Aly was pretty much amazing, even if there was a whole lot of roommate drama. She introduced me to some extremely awesome ladies that she's bringing to town this Friday I believe, excellent. This weekend (in no particular order) I: Smoked a lot, stood in the snow for too long, did a lot of blow, had wet feet, bought beer illegally from a gas station(kind of), took a lot of pictures of prancing gay boys, drank a lot, messed around with a vaguely (but not too) cute Jewish boy, watched a French film in a library, loved Aly, met a fellow Nerd Fighter, got way too drunk, walked alone in an unfamiliar city while really drunk, had my first true hangover, drank in the morning to relieve it, had a half hour nose bleed, toasted with some sorority girls I didn't know(they were walking when I was), and didn't have my heart explode. It was fun.

My mom gave me a lot of bullshit today...out of nowhere. About shit that im already aware of, as Nico would say "Please don't confront me with my failures, I have not forgotten them"



So help me lord, I am so going to re-create this photo, but its gonna be me chugging that boones farm. Maybe not in a tux, but it will be classy shit.

School is kicking my ass... still...

i am false

distracting myself...
this was hard and a long time coming, this was our own decisions and a good one i feel. why waste time on something that ended a long time ago. that sounds insensitive, but it is highly.
i am sick of judgment.
i am sick of being fat and brown haired and brown eyed and I'm sick of being a generally boring and mediocre person. i wish i could be effortlessly beautiful, but that's not for all of us. i am so sick of being false and being hateful and bitter and being mean all the time....how long have i been this unhappy? or seemed so anyway. i just remember that its been this way for a while and I'm not sure why.
pretty sure I'm gonna lose a good twenty pounds..ill start with 10. i hate this bullshit. i hate my job.
the only thing i am looking forward to right now is seeing my suicide girl again, our meeting went well and we are planning to shoot on Sunday. i cant wait. the company doesn't have a staff photographer in Tucson yet, but i don't really think there are many suicide girls here. another wedding possibility has come up and hopefully it will be mine. I'm thinking that maybe if i drown myself in work again and go a little crazy it will help me regain my sanity... i should probably just stay at home for like a week.

arnt you gonna break my fall?

Since Monday evening i have been crying, solid.
work was hell yesterday and i have to go back in less than half an hour.
my horrible decision on Monday that did in fact turn out to be the worst decision of my life has yet to be resolved and is main reason for said crying.

my room is disgusting and i choke on clutter that threatens to envelope me. I want to sit at at home, i want to clean my room and i want to make myself a real meal in my kitchen. is this so much to ask? apparently because i cant remember the last time i did any of these things. i have too many fucking social obligations. there are constantly people contacting me via text message, calling, emailing and notes on various web sites. between work, staying up until 3 am consoling friends and driving all over the city i feel like i have seen Korey for 5 minuets in the past 3 months, less than anyone else i know...and that is really fucking things up for me. i feel like i haven't done a single thing for myself. on top of which i have a wedding to shoot on December first, lets hope i can help my customers this time. i suppose i have to learn how to tell people no, i just... dont know.

fuck this life.

what

OK, so maybe i changed my mind.


my life is spiraling slowly, but not too slowly, downward into the inevitable shit that it will become.

i am suffocating

my walls get tighter every time i re-enter the room, or maybe its just me getting fatter.

i made what i already feel will be the worst decision of my life today.

i also decided i am moving out out in a month or so, but not to flagstaff. yet.

Korey Sargent: I Love You

This is hard for me, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my decision first. I feel like a bad person because of it; you made me cry tonight when I think I finally realized how much you love me. Like you said though, I need to get the hell out of this shit hole.
I honestly don't give you enough credit, I think you fixed me, when I met you I was fucked up when I met you I didn't know how to feel about my life, I hadn't let myself cry in a year, I had just witnessed the death of my abusive life ruining grandfather; I had just been fucked over by a best friend and lover and had just fucked over my best friend and her lover. When I met you I had fucked myself over. When I met you, you made my life so much better. I wanted to tell you how much I loved you just days after meeting you instead I brought you flowers and we would smoke at coffee shops after school, wasting film on pictures of each other that didn't even come out.
Why do I feel like we are breaking up?
I have hardly seen you the past month or so, I feel like I don't know you well anymore, its been months since Ive been alone with you and I feel like we are best friends instead of lovers. But I love you. I don't want to be away from you, but i feel like we both need to grow and maybe our roots are no longer extending to same soils. I know you long for the east coast, I know, I know I do not.
I know I love you.
It was hard for me tonight, to hold back the tears when I hugged you at our table and when I kissed you goodbye, I'm sorry I have been unkind, I'm sorry that you think I have been cruel to you. It's not even that Ive been mad, maybe frustrated at your lack of contact, but I react strongly , its defense, its a front because I'm scared of being hurt and instead end up hurting others and in turn hurting myself. when I seem mad at you I am most likely crying on the drive home. I blame my inability to control, express or deal with any form of emotion on my paternal grandfather who crushed it out on my father and made me grow up with it.
This is my tribute to us and hopefully it will help me redeem myself from what I have inflicted upon you for the past two years, I notice all thees pictures are old, if not even taken on the same day, they might have been, but here you go. I know you will see this, and you don't have to say anything to me, we can call it part 2, like that letter I sent you in boulder, I know you didn't want to respond, I know you.
If nothing else Korey Sargent, I want you to know that I didn't decide to do this to run away from you, If nothing else Korey Sargent, I want you to know that you are my best friend, I want you to know that you have taught me how to be loved. If nothing else Korey Sargent, I want you to know that you are a beautiful person and that you have so much potential waiting inside of you. If Nothing else Korey Sargent, I want you to know that you made me a woman and I love you.